So…you’re going to have a threesome. Maybe it’s the first time, maybe it’s the thousandth. Maybe the last attempt didn’t go as smoothly as you wanted. Whatever the scenario: This is the guide for you.
Threesomes might actually be more common than you think: In a 2016 survey of 274 heterosexual people ages 18 to 24, 24 percent of men and 8 percent of women reported previous threesome experience, while 82 percent of guys and 31 percent of women said that they’d be into exploring the possibility. Which is to say, there’s definitely interest out there in a good ol’ ménage à trois.
But interest alone does not a successful threesome make.
Speaking with eight people who’d involved themselves in threeways, Women’s Health found that most participants walked away from their encounters feeling satisfied and happy, but some viewed the enterprise as confusing, weird, and relationship-complicating. And certainly, maneuvering with all those limbs in play can get a little awkward. So how do you keep things hot?
“One thing in threeways you want to remember is that these roles of giving and receiving can change and change and change and change,” Dossie Easton, LMFT, a psychotherapist, relationship counselor, and author, tells Women’s Health. “If you are doing more giving at this time, you can be doing more receiving later, but there’s no limit to how much time you spend. We’re not in a hurry here, we’re not being efficiency experts. This is about pleasure.”
“The important thing is how do people feel, and what feels good, what feels comfortable to people, what feels inclusive, how people feel confident,” she added.
To that end, communication is key. Try the yes, no, maybe exercise: As a group, list out all the sex acts you can think of, then individually make lists of things you like, things you don’t, and things you’d maybe try under specific conditions.
Tell your partners what makes you orgasm, and ask them what they like best. Make sure everyone is included throughout the session, and give your partners feedback, Easton says. In a threesome, the lines of communication should be open before, during, and after.
And in the process of figuring out what people will consent to, it might help to familiarize yourselves with a few basic moves going into the act, with an eye toward keeping movement fluid. But once you get started, talk to one another as you move along, and positions will flow more naturally from one to the next.
69 Plus One
Whether you’re an female-female-male (FFM) or male-male-female (MMF) triad, you can work the classic 69 position with a threesome twist, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. She recommends lying on your sides. “The 69ers lay facing each other, but with their heads in one another’s crotches, with one partner on the edge of the bed,” she says. The other partner approaches from behind for anal play, while standing next to the bed.
Virtual Threesome
Threesomes don’t necessarily have to be in person. If you can’t all be together at once, try this trick from O’Reilly: Two partners sit in front of the screen while playing with a partner who is elsewhere. “You can give one another directions, put on a one or two-way show or play from afar with a vibrator that connects to an app,” she says.
Shared Oral
Anticipation can be nearly as hot as the sex itself. O’Reilly suggests this move to really ramp things up: Have two partners lie on their backs next to each other, with the third partner taking turns going down on them. The recipients can use their hands on each other while waiting their turn, or “make one partner wait to built anticipation,” O’Reilly says.
Shower Pleasure
Got a roomy shower? It’s time to use it. “If you have the space, take your threesome into the shower and take turns soaping one another up,” O’Reilly says.
You can each take turns being the center of attention. The recipient can lead against the wall while the other four hands and two mouths explore. “Switch roles and don’t feel pressure to orgasm on the spot,” O’Reilly says. “You can always move to a more comfortable location as arousal builds.”
Oral-Penetrative Train
In this arrangement, the male (or person with a strap-on) penetrates a female who is giving oral to a female or male in front of her.
Everyone can lay on their sides, but if your bed isn’t big enough to fit all three people try this: One partner can bend over the bed while the penetrative partner stands on the floor behind them and the third person lies on the bed in front of them to receive oral, O’Reilly says. If you’re in the middle, she recommends guiding your partners with your hands, body, and words, adding, “let them know what speed, depth, and rhythm you prefer.” And, if you’re on the receiving oral end, “let your hands wander in any way that works for you,” O’Reilly says.
Threeway Spoon
This takes a bit of coordination and cooperation from everyone.
To do it, lay on your sides and get into a spooning position. Two people penetrate the person in front of them, either vaginally or anally (in a MFF threesome, someone can wear a strap-on). Then, slowly thrust together. “Use lots of lube and play externally to build arousal before you venture inside,” O’Reilly advises. Then, she says, “do what feels good for you.”
Penetration + Stimulation
In a MMF or FFM arrangement, one person can penetrate a partner, whether vaginally or anally, while the other strokes erogenous zones on their fellow participants, Annette Gates—a certified somatic sex educator and relationship coach—says.
In a MMF set up, “a male could be penetrating a female with their penis while having pressure applied to their perineum, getting their testicles massaged or licked, or being penetrated anally by the other male,” Gates says.
For FFM trios, two women can lie on top of one another and play with each others’ bodies while the male (or person with a strap-on) enters the woman on top from behind. This position is ideal for nipple play, clitoral stimulation, even a little rimming, during penetration.
Learn 14 mind-blowing facts that will completely change the way you think about orgasms:
Double Penetration
For MMF triads, Easton warns, double penetration can be “kind of advanced work” because figuring out where all the knees go is trickier than it looks. That said, double penetration needn’t necessarily require two penises.
“A female [in FFM or MMF] could be receiving double penetration vaginally and anally, with a finger or penis,” Gates points out. You can always use some of the many hands a threesome involves to achieve the same effect, if positioning proves too difficult.
With that in mind, MMF couples might try double penetration with one of the men lying down: The woman can climb on top and ride him while the second man enters her anally from behind. In FFM arrangements, one woman can digitally penetrate the other’s anus, or use a dildo or strap-on.
Daisy Chain
One thing to always keep in mind, Easton says, is that a threesome has six hands and three mouths to work with. While she personally finds it easier to concentrate on one-to-one oral pleasure, the Daisy Chain presents a solid opportunity to make use of all your mouths. It’s also easy to execute.
Each participant lies on their side with their face at their neighbor’s crotch, forming a circle. Woman one performs oral sex on the man, who is performing oral sex on woman two, who is performing oral sex on woman one; or, the woman performs oral sex on man one, who is performing oral sex on man two, who is performing oral sex on the woman.
Double Oral
Whether you’re an FFM or MMF triad, perhaps consider performing mutual fellatio on one (or both) of your penis-having partners, recommends Easton. One person can take the shaft while another sucks on the testes, or both can lick at once, or you can switch from mouth to mouth.
Penetration-Oral Tower
Arguably the best known of all the threesome positions, the Eiffel Tower blends oral and penetrative sex: If you’re in an MMF arrangement, the woman assumes doggy position while one man penetrates her from behind and she gives the third partner a blow job.
If you’re in an FFM triad, have the man lie on his back while one partner rides him and the other sits on his face. The women can also lean forward to stimulate each other from this vantage point, keeping everyone in the mix.
Plus, as Easton points out, keeping one person up by the prone party’s head allows for easier communication.
“Periodically stop and check in, get up to the person’s head and check in with them, just to make sure they’re still where you think they are,” she advises. “So to have somebody pleasuring the person’s genitals and have somebody else up near their head, either playing with their mouth or their neck or their nipples, gives a kind of extra connection.”
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